The Love Guru [C-]

It wasn’t the train wreck I thought it was going to be but it was still dismally average none the less. For me, and I know I’m in the minority here, most Mike Myers vehicles never really seem to fire on all thrusters. Aside from Austin Powers 2, his movies usually stick to the Myers-rules-for-making-comedy-films and The Love Guru is not an exception to those rules.

What makes it so bad? Scattershot directing, a near incomprehensible plot, the mere presence of Jessica Alba, cheap jokes about Oprah and the cardinal sin of being chronically unfunny top my list. Still there were moments of inspiration. Justin Timberlake was fun and has some rich comic timing too. It was nice to see his fresh face among the standard roster of actors that populate Mike’s films (that means you Vern Troyer). I can’t resist a guy like Timberlake who will do anything, and I do mean anything, for a laugh. Come to think of it, that may be the very reason I keep giving Mike Myers chance after ill begotten chance – he is nothing if not fearless.

The rest of the cast don’t really matter much, for this is not their movie. Vern Troyer for instance, whose outtake during the credits is far funnier than any of the lines he spews forth during the film, is completely unnecessary. I mean really. He’s not acting. I’m not sure what he’s doing. Shouting? Posing? He’s more of a set piece than a part of the plot. He’s someone for Mike to drop-kick, fart on, and humiliate for (allegedly) the audience’s enjoyment. Still he’s more fun than Jessica Alba’s who’s not only unfunny, she’s not even funny by proximity – she’s merely funny adjacent.

The Love Guru wanted to be raucous and hilarious but was not raucous enough and was far far far from hilarious. Perhaps an [R] rating would have elevated it into the realm of “mildly amusing” cinema but as we all know, dirty doesn’t always equate laughs (hello Bob Sagget). I think Myers needs to take a queue from the late Phil Hartman and try some supporting roles on for size. He and his audience might find it’s just what the doctor Guru ordered.

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If you’re like me and tried unsuccessfully to like The Love Guru, you should check out the better (but still flawed) The Guru starring Heather Graham and Jimi Mistry.

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (B)

I’ve seen quite a few 3D films in the last few years. All of them have been the Real D process. Journey to the Center of the Earth is the very first film I have screened in the Dolby Digital 3D process. What’s the difference? It’s all located under the hood of the car. However, after seeing the Dolby Digital 3D in action you can color me unimpressed. I am not sure if the Real D version of the film is better but I suspect it has to be. The most recent Real D film I saw (Meet the Robinsons) was bright, cheery and full of color whereas JTTCOTE3D looked drab, muddy and down right dreary. This movie should look as vibrant and radiant as its cast does. Still most of the neat-o effects still look, well, neat-o in spite of the color correction issues.

Good thing the film itself is able to stand up under it’s own weight and isn’t solely relying on the 3D gimmickry to get by – and there is plenty gimmickry to be had. This is a cheesy popcorn flick, a drive-in family movie, a ridiculous and messy masterpiece. How can you not appreciate a movie that showcases a giant man-eating dinosaur and Brendan Fraser’s hair piece as two of its key special effects. Both are hypnotic. Both look amazing in three dimensions.

The plot (such as it is) revolves around Trevor Anderson (Brendan Fraser) going on an epic journey looking for his long lost brother, which leads him to, surprise surprise, the center of the earth. Along the way he picks up his nephew (Josh Hutcherson) and the daughter of a renowned volcanism expert and all-around nutcase named Hannah Ásgeirsson (Anita Briem). Don’t be fooled though, this is Fraser and Hutcherson’s show. The later being one of the most reliable and consistent child actors around, giving Abigail Breslin a run for her money. The former is one of the most reliable and consistent matinée idols on the screen today. Three Mummy flicks and a slew of silly comedies have cemented Brendan Fraser as a poor man’s Harrison Ford. Will they make it out of the center of the earth alive? Would you believe me if I said “no”?

Look, this isn’t a great movie but it is a ton of fun. It’s not as clever as it should be but I’m not really sure it was trying to be too clever or too smart. Journey aims squarely to entertain and not much else. I sort of like that in a film. It’s a quality that made Snakes on a Plane a fun one-time screening. Subsequent attempts at re-watching either on DVD can only be doomed to failure. So see it for the hair and the boffo effects, but make sure you see the 3D version, otherwise, what’s the point ya know?

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Here’s an interesting article about Real D vs Dolby Digital 3D.
Also you may want to check out the unlikely pleasures of George of the Jungle and Firehouse Dog. Both are way better than they have any right to be.

Hancock (C+)

So tell me, what exactly would you do as a fallible non-super person who one day woke up and had super powers? It’s a question we’ve probably all thought about at one time or another. Now, I am not talking about the magical comic book reality but in really real reality. You know, in a nation led by Bush! Would you drink and carouse and let it all go to your head? Better yet, would you understand the consequences your actions may have on the lives of the people around you? Would you or could you even grasp the nuances of your affect on society or the world as a whole? If you dig really deep and ask yourself these questions honestly the answer would most likely be a great big “I don’t know”. And THAT my friends is why superpowers are best left to morally centered superheroes in comicbookland.

Hancock, wonders how the world would work if a superhero’s actions had real life consequences, territory that has thus far never been mined. Of course in real life, we would probably hunt down the character of John Hancock and kill him. That’s what we do – we seek out those who are different and punish them. In today’s world, it wouldn’t be an angry mob charging down Main street with pitchforks and shovels and torches. It would be giant multinational corporation seeking to find, exploit and ultimately destroy the powers Hancock possesses. That’s what they do – that’s how corporations work. You don’t get to be a CEO by being a dynamic smart and creative person. You get to be a CEO because the bureaucracy in your corporations weeds out the smart, the creative and the dynamic until the only person left standing is usually the shoulderless conforming self-defeating “winner”. You literally have to be an idiot to successfully climb the corporate ladder.

To some extent Hancock is effective. The scruffy title character has been sued more times than a tobacco company. He is a drunk. He’s a homophobe. He’s a womanizer. In other words he’s a Grade A super dick. The film gets itself into trouble when Hancock starts to clean up his act. There is some “comedy” to be had and Smith seems to travel a road we’ve already been down with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Let’s watch the tough guy attempt to find the woman within! Pure comedy gold! Also there is the disturbing element where by film’s end, the Fresh Prince starts to look more like his wife (Jada Pinkett Smith) than himself. It’s creepy in a Michael is starting to look more like Janet kind of way.

Still, I give them credit for trying something new. In a way it’s the kind of superhero movie I always wished to see and now that I have seen it I understand how misguided I was in wishing upon a star to begin with. It’s not a breath of fresh air but it’s just this side of acceptable if you want check your brain at the door for a nice climate controlled matinee. Oh and what’s my super power wish? I have thought long and hard and the power I wish I had (aside from, you know, living forever) would be the power to magically flick the cameras out of tourist’s hands who incessantly take flash photography in places where they are repeatedly told not to. Just picture all those cameras sitting at the bottom of Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland. It’s the little things in life that make me happy.

Okay Kelly. Here you go…

WALL-E (A+)

It had to happen some time. It was inevitable. After years of turning up my nose at almost every single PIXAR film, I knew eventually I would find one that I would just absolutely enthusiastically shout it from the rooftops love love LOVE! My friends, that day has finally come. I have never been a fan of PIXAR’s particular brand of storytelling. At one time, I felt that with the exception of a cute little clownfish, all PIXAR films were nothing more than overrate pieces of fossilized cow dung. Have you seen Doc Hollywood? Then you’ve seen Cars. Are you in a coma? Then The Incredibles in the film for you! How many Monsters Inc. DVDs can you fit in an industrial sized blender? I don’t know but I’d love to find out. I could go on like this all day.

So how is it the quiet beauty of a little robot all alone on a dystrophic planet floating through the vast emptiness of the universe got to me? Who knows? Maybe I’m a sucker for robots. After all, WALL-E the character is like a cross between Buster Keaton and Johnny Five. Pure genius. I won’t bother describing the plot, as any efforts I could make, end up coming off as pedantic or down right silly. Suffice to say; if you’ve seen the previews then you know the nuts and bolts of the love story that awaits.

But wait, this film is more than a love story! While you may have heard some conservative critics lambaste the film as a didactic piece of garbage, anyone with half a brain knows it’s more than a political piece as well. Be sure to keep your eyes open for nods to 2001 and Alien and other classic sci-fi greats. You see, as it turns out WALL-E is a socio-political love story that is also one of the saddest and most touching animated adventures you may ever see. I don’t want to oversell it. I really don’t. That being said, WALL-E is certainly the best film I have seen so far this year and it’s a recommendation shouldn’t be taken lightly. After all, I’m not known for my overzealous support of Steve Jobs’ quaint little animation side project.